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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Damien's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, March 29th, 2009
1:37 pm
The cogs and the wheels go round, round, round and lock you into place.
These are the days of your life. Fuck. I didn't see this one coming. Oh the irony.
How sweet. How bitter. Bah.

3 days since the phone rang.
Thursday, March 5th, 2009
11:25 pm
Life updated
So it's 2009 and things are going quite well. I've acted in my first play "From The Calton To Catalonia" at the Ramshorn at the end of January. I have an agent. I'm making headway into getting castings etc. Yup things are going well. I'm still doing yoga when I can, I've also started ballet and tango classes; the ballet classes I'm finding particularly useful for gaining control of my body (and no I'm not incontinent), plus I'm usually the only guy their which makes me feel especially macho. Like a thug really. I started gymnastics months ago but was never able to follow it up...usually because I'm hung over, but I'd like to get back into it. Oh and me and Brenden did horse riding lessons for a while which is fun but haven't been able to find time to go together. Speaking of which, if anyone's interested, they have a 2 for 1 pricing thing during weekdays at Pollock Estate, check it out. Also me and my friend India (the girl not the country, no it wasn't even funny the first time) are writing a play together which has been fun when we've found the time to do it. It's for Fiendish Plots which is a half hour slot at the CCA during summer. We've a first page and the stereotype of the typing person and the stalking around the room person is true. painfully true.
This month I'm going to have my audition for LAMDA in London on the 21st. I'm a bit nervous because I haven't been putting the hours into learning my monologues. I should really start soon. I'll need to contact people from Ramshorn to get advice. My choices are between; Patient A (American AIDS drama), From the Calton To Catalonia (Scottish socialist drama) or Raised In Captivity (American therapist comedy) for my contemporary monologue and I'm looking for a Benedict speech from Much Ado About Nothing for my Elizabethan monologue. I would be putting more work into it but I've recently met somebody so I'm doing all that hanging out and smiling into the distance when he's not there stuff. It's exhausting really. My timing is nothing if not fucking terrible.

Current Mood: cheerful
Thursday, January 15th, 2009
4:32 pm
Learning lines
I've really got to keep up with the lines. I'm even forgetting ones I already know. This'll be my first time with a main part on the stage and I'm starting to panic at night thinking about how many times I fucked up at rehearsal that day. I'm going to make sure i know my lines off by heart by Tuesday. That's the tech first dress rehearsal and I want to be able to ACT as opposed to trying to remember cues and lines.

I'll be fine i think, just need to use as much time as i have left to get in there.

Current Mood: anxious
Friday, January 2nd, 2009
2:34 am
Cringe
I just read some of my entries from when i starting posting in Livejournal. What a douche.

Current Mood: embarrassed
Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
4:10 am
Us and them, over and over again.
When I walk home from town/w.end at night, I tend to get really angry in my head. I must look like some drunken psycho fuck: jabbering to myself, pulling faces and stopping abruptly to stare intently at my feet. I am (once again) not liking who I am at the moment, but this time I'm not sure if it's me or that I'm feeling judged by people. Today I sat in my room thinking that my family hated me too. I don't can't remember ever feeling that before. God, i just realised that i write the same old trite that a 16 year old would write. I wonder if these kind of feelings ever go away. I wonder If I'll be on my death bed at 89 (a tad optimistic) wondering if I'd been a dick to people lately or if they were just being insecure cunts to me. As my conciousness starts to dissolve into the ether, I'll think: "Kester gave me a look last week, and Felicity didn't pick up my holo-call around the same time. Shit, what have I done? Should I apologise? Would that be weak? Why should I say sorry when they can't even be up front with me? If I've pissed them off then they should say so. ...hmmmm...I think i left the oven on. Dead.

Current Mood: confused
Monday, December 29th, 2008
2:34 pm
And if and when you fail, as we all must do from time to time...
Today I got up around 8.45 because I had slept almost all of the day before. It felt good to be up that early instead of the 1/2/3pm I have been during the Winter period. Whilst on the 57 bus (the trains were off today) I sat upstairs at the front listening to The Notwist. I felt really content up there. The sun was shining, it was a clear crisp morning, I had eaten and had a life affirming riff in my ears.
I'm feeling a bit down while i write this post though. I just sat for 5 minutes after finishing that paragraph going through things in my head, things that niggle about friendships. I seem to piss people off and not know how, and some times why, I've done it.
Hmmmm, I think I should eat something and see if this feeling persists, maybe I'm just hungry.

Merry Christmas by the way.

Current Mood: nervous
Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
1:06 am
THINGS I MUST DO/KEEP UP/ AND STOP
Tidy room
go outside at least once a day
do some sort of exercise/activity once a day
Stop binging on junk food
stop using pornography
get a show reel and voice reel
read my scripts ever day till I know it off by heart
Plan a month trip to new york this year

...tbc

Current Mood: awake
Friday, December 12th, 2008
2:41 am
I carry swords incase of proximity
I watch beyond the walls.
I am the watcher
my heart is a flutter
for a vision of you

I see misty distance
blue beyond blue beyond blue
shapes and angles
a perfect symmetry

(what does it feel like
feel like to come finding me
what do you see
on your way over this way)

I don't think we'll meet
you and I
But if we did...if we did...

I would stroke your face
fingers dancing lightly over skin
and whisper your name
not to you no
but to myself
over and over again
lest i forget
I would inhale your sent
cradled in the hollow of your neck
and and and and

I don't think we'll meet
you and I.


(My, aren't I in a morose mood tonight)

Current Mood: morose
Monday, September 22nd, 2008
3:21 pm
Embarrassment
London really does bring out the best and worst in me. Or maybe just the worst in me but at least I feel alive doing it. I haven't drunk as much in a weekend in months (or perhaps since I was last down), and it's not as if I was even happy drunk...I've been a tit rat. I was even having a massive go at Richard stone last night and he has been nothing but an angel towards me. And I don't even remember what it was about! Oh memories, I don't know whether they are a good thing or the work of the devil. On Friday I ended up at PopStarz and I keep getting monstrous flash backs of just plain embarrassment. What i don't remember is pretty scary too.

I would like to take this moment to apologise to everyone I've freaked out, pissed off, had a go at, or made an ill thought out pass at. I could blame it on the drink...and I think I will, but I really should watch myself when in London. It brings out the worst in me.

Current Mood: embarrassed
Tuesday, September 16th, 2008
3:09 am
What if 2...
What if the "grey goo senario" has already happened. Imagine that we were not the first intelligent species on the planet. Before we evolved there was an advanced technological species that invented nano-bots. These out-of-control self-replicating nanorobots consumed entire ecosystems, resulting in global ecophagy. Perhaps, let us imagine, they started there own ecosystem which one day evolved into the world we see around us now. We might never no as all evidence would have been destroyed and perhaps the nanobots evolved themselves to look entirely biological....ooooooh...

Highly unlikely but it might make a good science fiction story.

Current Mood: contemplative
2:52 am
What if...
...When i close my eyes for the last time, I wake up being released from my mother's womb. What if existence is truly cyclical and I have lived this life before and I will live it again. Forever. Over and over again, nothing changing. What if we all do. Everyone and everything that has ever and will ever exist. What if i have written this entry before, an infinite number of times and will write it an infinite number of times again.

Doesn't bear thinking about eh?

Ha, actually if you think about it, it means the religious people are technically right and we are immortal in some sense.

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
11:07 pm
Three Tears
It is dark outside. He lies with his back flat against the bed staring at the ceiling. It is dark outside and he is in Portugal. It is a strange place to him. Ever since the car crash everywhere is a strange place to him. The sheets are clean and fresh, newly washed for guests. He is comfortable but unable to sleep. His mind is a swirl of ideas and thoughts and imaginings. For over half a year everything has been a swirl so it has been easy to imagine that it was normal. But tonight in the dark, in this sanctuary away from home in a far away country he knows that it is not normal. It should never have happened. He thinks on what has been lost to him, on the mindless tragedy of it all, on how helpless he and everyone else had been to stop it from happening. On how he misses his daddy. A tear pierces his eye. It rolls down slowly over his cheek, sometimes threatening to stop still until it finally spills from his chin down his neck. This tear beckons a second one and a third one. Each one full to burst with his sadness and his loss. An idea forms in his head. His silly little head. Three tears. Three tears might mean something. Perhaps..perhaps something will happen in three years. He sniffs. His eyes are drier now. What if he comes back. What if Daddy comes back. In three years. He can have a daddy again. Mummy won't be sad anymore, his brothers and sisters won't be hurt anymore. Three years. Three tears, three years.
He sits up on the bed and looks out the window. It is dark outside. He sees a car turn into the drive it's lights strange and mysterious. It's going to be alright, he thinks.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, August 19th, 2008
2:27 am
Because i don't need them any more.
Ah, I feel a lot better now. As soon as I posted that last entry, I got up, put some clothes on and got the underground to the Carling Academy (where Alanis Morissette sold out tonight incidentally)and walked to Pollokshields to my Mum's flat. Ate loads of food, drank some irn Bru while watching some classic Simpsons then had a shower. Oh Lordy I'm feelin' fiiiine. I'm going to head to bed soon and dream of many faced lovers and how to act better.

Here's a video you should definitely watch. If you know anything about it please do enlighten me.




Current Mood: content
Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
1:41 am
I feel tired, I should probably go to sleep. Plus the gum around my lower left wisdom tooth has some how become infected and is pumping poisons into the rest of my head...makes me think of Brass Eye when they describe some one's entire head going septic.
Had a nice day today, got up early for my first trumpet lesson, then spent the afternoon reading a wonderful book called The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly. Beautifully written piece of fiction meditating on loss and bereavement and growing up. I got something stuck in my eye at the end...actually the ending was quite Oscar Wilde's children's fiction. I then napped and went to Capoeira class along the road. It's a different one than the last time as I thought I needed a new start. Ye gads I was definitely starting again...THE PAIN!! My own fault though as I hadn't eaten anything all day except for toast, pesto and cheese. Fool. I then went over to Remo's to make some dinner while he guffawed loudly from the lounge at the little people on TV. Sick fucker. Then we sat and watched Sexy Beast, one of the best British gangster films and an amazing film in it's own right.. keeps things simple and Ben Kingsley is fucking terrifying in it. Also has an amazing gay character in the shape of Deadwood's and Love Joy's Ian McShane.

Photobucket

Current Mood: horny
Friday, August 8th, 2008
1:51 pm
I am hungry for more
So I'm taking this "getting my act together" malarky quite seriously at the moment and I feel better for it. I contacted a trumpet teacher the other day so will be starting lessons soon, started running on Wednesday which is quite addictive and did yoga last night which is quite painful. I feel better for it all. Especially as I've cut down my drinking quite heavily. I've started these get healthy things before with some short term success, but I feel rather optimistic what with my new found age(25), boredom with getting inebriated, and realising how much I want to go to London and how seriously I should take that proposition. I don't think I would have half as much will power if I was still drinking as heavily. I stopped drinking every day of the week a while back but found myself binge drinking instead and then suffering with the usual disillusionment crap every week till I get pissed again the following weekend. It's difficult to say no to going for a pint...I realised how much boredom was in my life which I covered up with getting cuntfaced all the time. There were times last week where I was practically going cold turkey and it's not as if I've even stopped drinking altogether...kind of pathetic eh? I would sit in my room thinking of things to do which didn't involve drinking and then would fall asleep out of boredom or too much thinking. I suppose my biggest test was always going to be a Thursday at the Art school. Which I only just passed (I feel) having left with only 3 1/2 pints under my belt from the whole night and having not dropped any pills. Any of you who are reading this may possibly think I'm being a sanctimonious over the top twat. I probably am. If I try to evangelize you then give me a good hard shot and tell me to shut up.

Right.

I'm going to go and eat...and fill my day with worth while things that you bunch could NEVER understand.


Photobucket
Monday, July 28th, 2008
11:09 pm
puppy say GO GO!
Ugh, I'm back in Glasgow after my KERAZZZY jaunt down to London. I feel a bit deflated. Which is natural of course. I still want to move down, but I'm more nervous than I was a couple of weeks ago. The reality hit me square between the eyes. YOU MUST WORK.

Of course most people would generally just go "Duh.", but it was genuinely a surprise for me. In my head I imagined that I would float down and act out someone elses life....the highlights. Now I realise that I'm going to have to save cash, study more and get more for mu cv. I'm going to have to spend a lot of money to start any sort of career. I've also got to decide if I should jump into acting now on a wing and a prayer with "a raw talent", or if I'm going to pay a lot of money to study acting down south. I'm going to have to really think things through and stop slumming it.

I yearn for more.
Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
1:28 am
Goodbye, fair well, and other such things
I have now officially left 62 Albert Road. I shall never enter it again as my home. Pete, Dom and Tim have officially moved out today. All the furniture and boxes are being taken to their final destinations tomorrow morning. Goodbye etc...you were good to me but I'm flying your nest.
!____________
____________!{Linkage}
!
Tomorrow...as in today....as in less than 7 hours. I get a train to London. I'm very excited at the moment. Going to the Mars Volta gig at the Roundhouse, Wednesday night. It turns out a whole bunch of us Glaswegians are heading down including my sister Litty who will become a fully fledged Londoner as she is staying down to study Nursing. Philip has been kind enough not to object to my staying on his couch for a week..very kind of him indeed. And I just read his last post and he seems in a very good mood which pleases me no end. Hurrah! It will also be my 25th birthday this Saturday coming, meaning I will be in London. Going to go to my cousin Patrick's barbecue in Chiswick in the afternoon then head out and meet people in a bar and have a totally tennis time. I was going to stay till Tuesday but I've decided to stay another week and try and get some auditions...or just get more drunk and play SingStar with Philip.

Current Mood: excited
Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
11:04 pm
I have ear-ache....SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!
I just watched the Kate Bush music video Hounds Of Love. That part near the beginning where the guy is taken away from Kate by the guys in coats and they get him to the door and he TEARS himself away and runs back and grabs Kate's hand and pulls her through the door..... Love It. There's something so romantic involved with that, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Something about the music stirring up at that point and probably a need for me to be pulled out of my seemingly boring reality by someone mysterious. *SIIIIGH*

Well at least I'm wanting something.


...Lemsip probably.




Current Mood: sore
Thursday, May 29th, 2008
3:07 am
The lost soul
I peered through the darkness at the oncoming creature. The vague drumdrum of it's heart beat enveloping my senses. If I blink, I half thought to myself, it will thrust itself forward, springing itself from the blackness towards me so that I will not have time to scream as it engulfs me. But I had no eye lids. i had ripped them off using shards of flint from the forest floor. The better to survive the night. It stopped. I held my breath. It was turning. Oh my gods it was turning! Towards me! I let out a soft whimper, the game was up. I had failed. The thing in front of me let out a soft rasping noise as if the leaves of the dark forest shook with malicious laughter. It leaped...
Naru woke from her trance, sweat trickling down her temples. Had she passed the test? She could not see quite yet, vague colours and shapes swam hazily in front of her. perhaps she was still in the Dreaming?! The shapes started to move towards her, She recoiled slightly, the adrenaline left over from the vision still running through her body. Nnnnaaaaarrrruuuuuu.....chiiiilllldddd....taaaaaakkkke...mmmmyyy..hhhand.
Her sight started to solidify, the shapes and colours coming a part to form a row of people dressed in animal hides and head dresses of feathers and bones.
Grandmothers?

Current Mood: in bed
Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
1:43 am
I remade him out of meat and chemicals
There are many tragedies within death.
Lots of mini tragedies.
One that gets me is how someone all of a sudden becomes memory. A silent retread in my mind. No matter how glorious they were in life they can no longer offer us future. They can no longer touch us in any way. So we are forced to replay them over and over in our heads, living in their own dimensionless reality...on a fucking loop!
I believe in ghosts.
They are called memories.
And they are windows into what was.
And reflections of what can never be.

Current Mood: indescribable
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